The Influence Trap
A coaching framework for how to influence people and motivate a team — without sacrificing the relationship in the process.
One of the things I enjoy most about teaching Erickson Coaching International‘s The Art & Science of Coaching is that every cohort leaves me with a better explanation of something I’ve been teaching for years. Last week, it happened again. The topic?
Our relationships with other people.
By the end of the program, I found myself explaining it through a simple model that, at least for me, brought a new level of clarity, even after more than 15 years of teaching. I’ve expanded it below because I believe it may be valuable not only for coaches, but for leaders, managers, HR professionals, parents, teachers, mentors…
in fact, for anyone whose success depends on working with other people.
I call it the Three Intentions Model.
Three Intentions Behind Almost Every Coaching Conversation
Most coaching conversations involving other people are driven by one of three primary intentions:
1. I want to reconnect with myself (or change something about myself)
From a coaching perspective, this is often the best place to begin because it is entirely within the client’s control.
How can I become the person I want to be regardless of what the other person does?
Examples include:
- I want to stay motivated regardless of how my clients respond.
- I want to remain calm when my child reacts emotionally.
- I want to stay confident despite criticism.
This is where Inner Alignment begins. Before we think about influence, we first develop the ability to lead ourselves. In the business context we can easily connect this with leadership. Almost every leadership model underlines that great leadership always starts from the inside.
2. I want to influence another person.
The intention is simple: I want another person to think differently, behave differently, make a different decision, or experience a different emotional state. We rarely hear it expressed that directly. Instead, people ask:
How can I motivate my team? How can I inspire my child? How can I help my client embrace a new idea? How can I encourage an employee to take more ownership? How can I help my partner become more supportive? Different words — how to motivate a team, how to inspire a child, how to help a client embrace an idea — but the same intention: I want to influence another human being. This is a perfectly legitimate objective, especially when we are responsible for other people’s development or performance as leaders, parents, managers, teachers, or mentors. Most advice on how to influence people focuses on increasing the amount of influence we have. But I believe we can ask a better question. Instead of asking: “How can I increase my influence?”, what if we asked: “How can I improve the quality of my influence?”Because not all influence creates growth. Some influence creates fear. Some creates dependency. Some creates resistance. Only a certain kind of influence creates ownership, responsibility, trust and long-term development.
The Quality of Influence matters far more than the amount of influence we have. People may comply with our influence, yet never grow because of it.
3. I want to improve our relationship.
The third intention is fundamentally different. Here, the primary objective is not changing another person’s behavior. The primary objective is Relationship Quality. The underlying intention becomes:
I want to create a relationship where the other person is free to choose – even if that choice is different from what I personally want.
This doesn’t mean giving up influence. It means refusing to sacrifice the relationship in order to achieve it. Sometimes preserving the relationship is the outcome. We often see this in relationships between:
- parents and adult children,
- partners,
- business partners,
- close friends,
- mentors and mentees
When Coaching (and Leadership) Become Truly Complex?
In reality, these three intentions rarely exist separately. For example, a father comes to coaching because his teenage son refuses to study. He thinks the goal is influence. It rarely is. It turns out the real coaching conversation is happening on three different levels.
- First… How do I remain calm, patient and grounded? This is Inner Alignment.
- Second… How do I preserve trust, respect and emotional connection? This is Relationship Quality.
- Third… How do I increase the likelihood that my child actually changes their behavior?
This is the Quality of Influence, and the same pattern appears in almost every important relationship:
- Leader → Team Member
- Parent → Child
- Partner → Partner
- Mentor → Mentee
The more important the relationship, the more these three dimensions become inseparable.
Where Does the Confusion Begin? This is what I call the Influence Trap.
Usually, when we pursue all three intentions at the same time, without realizing they are different. We say we want a great relationship… while expecting the other person to do exactly what we want. Or we try to create influence without first developing our own Inner Alignment. That is when both coaching and leadership become difficult. One of the first coaching questions therefore becomes:
What is my primary goal?
- Do I want to change myself?
- Do I want to influence another person?
- Do I want to strengthen our relationship?
There is no universally right intention. It depends on the situation, the relationship and the responsibility we carry. But clarity changes the quality of every coaching conversation and, very often, the quality of the relationship itself.
- We often say we want connection while secretly wanting compliance.
- We say we want to support people while hoping they’ll choose what we would choose.
- We say we value freedom until someone uses it differently than we expected.
Leadership starts with Inner Alignment. It grows through Relationship Quality. And it is expressed through the Quality of Influence.
So before your next important conversation, with your partner, your child, your client, or your team, pause for a moment and ask yourself:
What am I unwilling to sacrifice in order to create the kind of influence I want?
- My Inner Alignment?
- The Relationship Quality?
- Or neither?
Because the answer to that question determines the Quality of your Influence long before we say our first word.
Written by Pedja Jovanović
Pedja Jovanović is the Founder of Atria Group International and Co-creator of My Identity Journey and My Leadership Journey. He works internationally with senior leaders, founders, and executive teams navigating growth, complexity, and transformation, combining cognitive, embodied, and intuitive approaches to leadership development.
